Importance of listening skills
Listening skills have not been given much importance like other aspects of communication skills, but it is true that listening skills play a major role in the success of one's communication skills. Only a good listener can be a good speaker. Nobody has been loaded or programmed with good speaking skills at the time of birth. A baby starts speaking, only by listening to the words spoken by his family members. So a child first learns to speak his mother tongue and then other languages like English, Spanish, French etc. But the curiosity found in a baby to learn the language does not last very long as he starts to grow up. Slowly a child develops an ego by thinking that he is a good speaker and thet he should speak and others should listen to him.
Unless one has been restricted to speak, people do not break their speech. In general people do not even mind interrupting in the middle when somebody else is speaking. So only we have the etiquettes defined for the official meetings. It is a shameful thing that an etiquettes list has to contain a cause for saying. Only one person should speak at a time, it is common sense that if two or more people speak at a time, the listeners cannot grasp anybody's words. But still the clause "Only one person should speak at a time" has been required to be mentioned even at the meetings of high profiled professionals.
Animals have a tendency of crying together, they have the purpose in it. Because they want to make a loud noise either to grab attention or to pass a message. But human beings make such noise without any purpose. So, human being making such noises can be compared with the animals. Animals stand a level up. Common sense has been defined as a sense which is not common amongst the common people. So the listening skill has been one amongst such common senses. So only the conscious effort to possess good listening skill would make a good listener.
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The importance of listening in communication is enormous. People often focus on their speaking ability believing that good speaking equals good communication. The ability to speak well is a necessary component to successful communication. The ability to listen is equally as important.
The importance of listening in communication is often well illustrated when we analyze our listening skills with those closest to us. In particular I am referring to our spouse, partner, children or friends. Pay attention to the everyday conversations we have with these people with whom we think we communicate well.
Do you ever find yourself mindlessly saying "uh huh" when one of these folks is trying to tell you something only to have say just after "I'm sorry what did you say?" Have you been in a conversation with one of them and you are not really listening completely to what they have to say because you are too busy formulating your response?
This is actually quite common and yet we think we are good communicators. In order to communicate effectively we have to be able to hear what the other person is saying. Not just hear because the acoustics are good or because the other person is speaking in a loud enough tone. It is important that we hear what the person is saying because we have taken the time to actively listen.
Listening takes work and when it comes to improving our communication there is no getting around that. When we are listening to music or watching T.V. we can certainly let our minds wander. If we want our communication skills to get stronger it is important that we not day dream in a conversation but instead concentrate fully on what the other person is saying.
No doubt this can be difficult. Not every conversation we are in is particularly interesting. If however, we want to improve these skills focus is important even when dealing with younger children and teenagers.
Allowing the person to completely finish their thought before you begin to form a response is also crucial to good listening. To take it even one step further wait a moment before you begin to reply. This gives the other person a chance to add anything else they may have thought of. By waiting an additional moment before you reply you also let the other person know they have been heard completely. If you practice this for a time people will relax when conversing with you because they will know that they don't have to rush to get their two cents in. They will appreciate the fact that they can communicate with you and be heard.
When having those important conversations with the people closest to you, try taking it one step further and repeating back what they said "what I heard you say is you are uncomfortable..." By doing this you give the other person the opportunity to correct any misconceptions that may have occurred or to clarify any points they were trying to make. This heightens the level of communication you are enjoying. And the person you are communicating with will certainly feel respected and important given the care you are taking with the conversation.
The technique of repeating back for clarity had been extremely useful when I have had conversations with my teenagers. It also comes in handy when speaking with a spouse or partner. Often times in those situations we begin to assume we know what the other person means. Allowing them to express themselves completely actually allows for greater intimacy, something we often desire in our relationships but wonder why we are not achieving.
The importance of listening in communication is something worthwhile to consider. Good listeners are often some of the best speakers because they have taken the time to find out what people are truly interested in. If you understand what is important to people than you understand how to reach them.
The strategies I spoke about are just as effective in the workplace especially in sales. If you are really listening to what your customer wants it will be that much easier to fulfill their needs. The customer will be impressed that you listened to what they were communicating instead of just going into sales mode. I have personally found in sales that the more I listened and the less I talked the better my sales ratio was and the more satisfied my clients were. That is a win-win situation for all involved.
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Listen From Your Heart
Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.
Epictetus
Think of a time when you were listened to wholeheartedly. How did it feel? Perhaps you sensed a deep
acceptance of yourself and your feelings by the other person. Perhaps you experienced the expansiveness of
freedom to be yourself. For most of us, this experience is rare. Especially when we want to express difficult
feelings, we are afraid of being rejected or brushed aside. As children, we may have had our feelings negated
by an overwhelmed parent saying "Stop crying" or "You shouldn't get so upset about that." We may also have
experienced this as adults, perhaps from a defensive partner. If we think back honestly, we have all been
closed-hearted listeners at one time or another. Where does this inclination to block out what someone else is
saying come from?
I believe it is a defensive mechanism to protect our vulnerability. To the extent that we have trouble
expressing our own feelings, another person's expression of her feelings threatens us. We are afraid of being
overwhelmed or losing control. We sometimes don't hear what's being said because something in the
message triggers hurt, anger or fear. Perhaps we feel attacked by what our partner is saying, forced to look at
something in ourselves that we don't want to see. Perhaps they are trying to make us responsible for how
they feel. Perhaps what the other says challenges our truth and instead of listening all of our energy goes into
hacking at the validity of their truth.
This intellectual skill of discussion that we honed at school may be good for winning debates, but is destructive
in a relationship. The word discussion originates from the Latin verb discutire, to strike asunder, shake apart,
scatter. To discuss is to dissect meaning. We can speak of "winning" or "losing" a discussion. If we base our
communication in relationships on this model, we are headed for misunderstanding and conflict. A partnership
model for communication is dialogue. There are no individual winners or losers in dialogue. Dialogue comes
from the Greek roots dia meaning across or through, and logus meaning word or study. When we engage in
dialogue we let meaning emanate. We are not engaged in a battle of right and wrong but are striving for
mutual understanding. Martin Buber wrote: "Dialogue is a mode of exchange among human beings in which
there is a true turning to one another, and a full appreciation of another not as an object in a social function,
but as a genuine being." Listening wholeheartedly means letting the other be, just as he is. Doing this
requires me to let go of what's on my own mind in order to hear what's on the other person's mind, allowing
me to entertain the world from his point of view. As long as I want to change the other, I cannot really listen
to him.
Closed-hearted listening takes many forms from subtle to overt: ignoring, interpreting, qualifying, defending,
contradicting, denying, changing the subject, walking away. These reactions are all attempts to change or
negate the other's reality. One of the things that hinders us from acknowledging the other's feelings is that we
mistakenly think that acknowledging is agreeing. This comes from the limiting right/wrong duality paradigm.
The both/and paradigm allows our realities to stand side by side. Becoming aware of and accepting the other
Training and coaching for businesses and private individuals in all areas of personal development.
person's reality does not mean taking responsibility for it. Even when someone is blaming me, what he really
wants is to be understood. If I consistently deny him that, we will remain stuck. Even if I did not intend to be
hurtful, if my partner feels hurt, what do I lose by saying "I am sorry that I hurt your did not intend to be
hurtful, if my partner feels hurt, what do I lose by saying "I am sorry that I hurt your feelings?" Does a sincere
apology make me less worthy? Instead of trying to convince him that I didn't intend hurt, why not accept that
he feels hurt?
No matter how hard we try, we cannot force another person to change. I can tell you from failed attempts of
my own at reforming others that this applies to bosses, children, spouses and parents. However, if we change
our way of relating to them, approaching them with a true curiosity and willingness to understand the world
from their point of view, we open the space for dramatic shifts in the relationship to occur. Listening is a magic
wand. A workshop participant asked in an exasperated tone how she could finally get her mother to listen to
her. I think you can guess my response: listen more to her. When we have the sense that someone isn't
listening to us, we usually attribute it to a shortcoming of theirs: "he's inconsiderate" or "she's just stubborn"
and so we try harder by repeating, insisting and speaking louder. You know how you react to those strategies.
Communication is a give and take process. If I am not open to my partner's opinion, then why should I expect
him to be open to mine? My working hypothesis for life is what I call the 50% rule. I am always at least 50%
responsible for what happens to me and my 50% is the only part I have any influence over. So if I have
difficulties communicating with someone else I need to change my behavior.
Listening is not a passive activity and cannot be reduced to holding your tongue (though that is a place to
start). Feigned attention will not work, nor will feigned acknowledgment. If you are genuinely interested in
wanting to understand the other person, you will naturally apply the skills of active listening: asking questions
to clarify that you really understand how she sees things, reflecting back the sense you have of how she feels
about them, partnering with her to ensure that you truly understand what's going on with her. As long as you
focus your energy on making the other wrong, you will never discover who she really is and you are blocking
the relationship from going anywhere. If you are not authentically open to the other person's reality, all the
active listening phrases in the world won't have an effect. Similarly, if you assume that you already know what
she is going to say or cut her off with an "I know just what you mean" only to launch into your own story, you
are hijacking the conversation. "Oh I know exactly how you feel" is essentially a slap in the face. Sympathy is
about your own feelings. Empathy is a bridge to the other person's experience. Empathy is when I just listen
and then respond by acknowledging the other's reality. I am willing to partner on equal ground, accepting that
each of our realities is valid and we are equally worthy of respect.
The Chinese character for listening includes the characters for ear, eyes and heart. Listening not only with
your ears, but with all of your senses, your intuition, your mind and your heart will help you reach mutual
understanding with others.
